I Am Made Whole

We are approaching the end of our trip, and it has been such a sweet time.

A time to spend with our best friends before they leave the country to share the gospel with the world. A time of valuable family time. A time of seeing things that have genuinely blown our minds.

But it wasn’t until I was driving to another destination, looking out at the flat lands in the middle of New Mexico, that I felt God heal my heart.

Being hurt by people who are supposed to love you, people you committed over a decade of your life to, people who claimed they cared about you and were guiding you toward the Lord, leaves a mark you don’t realize you’re carrying until you finally have a moment to put it down.

I would consider myself pretty thick-skinned. I’ve been through countless friendship splits, family drama, and I’ve led hundreds of people in corporate America, surrounded by narcissistic leaders around every corner.

I thought I could handle people hurting me.

But man, was I wrong.

I let my guard down with these people. I trusted them to love me and my family, and I created a deep delusion around me that confirmed those beliefs.

Even when they were mean.

Even when they did things that were unkind to others.

Even when they went directly against Scripture and taught what I believed was a selfish and false doctrine.

I trusted them.

I told myself they loved me.

So when things hit the fan, it really broke me.

Deeply wounded me in a way I was not prepared for.

And I have spent months trying to let God heal me and correct what felt so wrong, while also trying not to allow any of those old delusions to cloud my mind again.

He had me write a book.

He had me tell my story.

He had me start a podcast.

He had me write letters I will probably never send.

He even had me wrestle through friendships He gave me after the pain.

I knew I wasn’t angry. I had never been angry.

But I was deeply wounded.

Shattered and confused.

And it caused me to stall a little in how I saw the world and, honestly, how I saw people.

Then, driving down a random street in the middle of New Mexico, I had a random thought about an old friend.

And suddenly, I felt the tangible love of God surround me.

I felt my heart heal.

It’s funny how God does this.

I’ve never resented them. I’ve never been angry at them. I never even allowed myself to fully believe they did what they did on purpose.

So what did He heal me from?

The pain of their actions.

The things I cannot deny.

The things I could not control.

And I heard this phrase in my heart:

“You no longer need the love of others, for I am enough. Now go, freely love others.”

I guess I didn’t realize I had been withholding.

Maybe not intentionally. Maybe I was just constantly questioning when the next person would hurt me.

And the crazy thing is, I did get hurt again.

I had another friend decide that I no longer met their needs and cut me out of their life.

I felt the pain of betrayal again.

So protecting myself did me no good.

I still got hurt.

And I started asking myself:

What am I doing wrong?

I assumed the issue had to be with me.

Am I not worthy of friendship?

Am I not as committed to these people as I feel like I am?

Am I just not someone who is allowed to have long, committed friendships?

The list of doubts goes on and on.

And I’m not saying I’m perfect. Of course not.

But my expectations of my friends are so small, and I give so big, that I don’t understand why they leave.

But God.

Is He not enough for me?

He began to reveal something in me that I didn’t realize was there.

I don’t fully trust that His love is enough.

I keep seeking it in friendships.

And don’t get me wrong. Friendships are important. Community is important. It is God’s design for humanity.

But God’s love is more than enough for me.

I do not need to constantly see evidence of His love through other people in order to believe that I am loved.

I’m not saying I am supposed to be a whipping post.

Boundaries matter.

Wisdom matters.

Discernment matters.

But boundaries, as beautiful and necessary as they can be, cannot become more important than loving freely simply because I trust that I am loved freely.

That is what He healed in me.

He gave me a healing that allows me to run full speed ahead into my friendships, new or old, without constantly living in fear of being hurt.

Because I will be hurt.

People are people.

People will disappoint me. People will misunderstand me. People will leave. Sometimes people will love me well, and sometimes they simply won’t have the capacity to love me in the way I hoped they would.

And I don't have to build a wall around my heart because of it.

I don't have to spend my life trying to figure out how to make myself impossible to leave.

I don't have to withhold love just because I know pain is possible.

Because God is enough.

I can love people freely without believing every person will love me perfectly.

I can have boundaries without making them my security.

I can have discernment without living suspiciously.

I can grieve what was lost without allowing it to determine what comes next.

I can love again.

I can trust again.

I can give again.

Not because people are always trustworthy.

Not because I will never be hurt again.

But because He is enough.

I don't need to create a delusion that someone loves me when they really only have the capacity to love themselves.

I can see people clearly and still love them.

I can accept what they are capable of giving without making their capacity the measurement of my worth.

And maybe that is what freedom looks like.

Not a life where nobody hurts me.

But a life where I no longer live afraid of being hurt.

A life where I can run full speed ahead, love deeply, give freely, and trust that even when people fail me...

He won't.

He is simply enough.